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Friday, 30 April 2010
I know I can live without him. I know I can be a success without him.
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Take That - Beautiful World
Topic: Love
I know I can live without him. I know I can be a success without him.
I don't want to and I think that's why I haven't let him go...even if i didn't ever have him...
I have pride.. haha I am stubborn ... I keep going and I keep proving to myself (and kinda to him) that I can ..
but my heart just never takes him out of anything I do.

Every time I feel I wanna fall into him, I have to run.
Every time he does something that I perceive is a way to tell me I can't fall into him if I wanted to, I have to run.
When I need him, I remind myself that he doesn't want to be there.

I remind myself that he is a wonderful person, and the only reason he doesn't discourage me from contacting him is only because he is being polite.
I tell myself that he won't come out and tell me that he'd prefer to never hear from me again, that my smiles and words are no longer really wanted around him.
I remind myself that he probably thinks he would be perceived as a jerk if he said that.
He's only being polite.

HE doesn't need me around.
HE doesn't want me around.
I keep coming around ...
I don't know what I expect from him that I can not supply myself, but my life isn't right without his touch in it.
Every time I post a picture of myself, I hear "you look good" I think "physically" yeah.. getting there... even though I know the people saying it mean it.
When a couple friends mentioned how "miserable" I look in some of them, I thanked them.. I agree.. I am miserable.

I suffer migraines... I bet many people forget that about me.
I try so hard not to make it the focus of every ones life.

And until him, it was the only aspect of my life that I could see. I couldn't see past it, I couldn't see through it, it was all I had, all I saw, I had no reason for being, except in pain.

I met him in one of the avenues I was looking at for the distractions to the daily pain I was in.

I never meant to fall for him. I didn't really actually think it was possible for me to fall for someone I met online. Toyed with the idea a bit... but .. nothing really is real...nothing really is ... not online. Well he is, real.

Everything about him from the major screw ups in his life to the major accomplishments.
There isn't an aspect of him I don't want to know.
He not only helped me focus through my migraine, but even after I was gone, he helped me focus through my health... and I don't just mean physically. I kind of feel like this heartbreak, this online person I handed my heart to, I needed this part in my life. I'm healthier. I don't feel any less love for him though. I was messed up... the fall I had, I had to have in order to rid myself of some pretty old demons. In order to find myself, my self control. In order to have control over my will power, myself.

I wish it wasn't that he could find replacements for me, but he needed to.

The fact remains that by the time I had left, my stability had already been gone. I was barely on my tippy toes...still stretching still reaching still trying, but I was longing for something from him that he couldn't give me... my friendship with him changed because of that...we were both at fault for the positions we were in.

I was gone when he lied.

He never had lied previously, that I am aware of.
Talking to him since, I doubt he's lied, though he has not shared..and has hidden, he hasn't lied, that I know of.

The advice he has given me from a simple sentence in the beginning to full emails near the end, totally great advice in many areas of life. I love it. I want to keep in touch and tell him how I'm doing,  most definitely I want to know how he's doing, and I want to share so much with him but when I asked him if he wanted to hear from me and he said "Either Or" I realized how little hearing from me meant. I used to make his days with communications and if the lack of such is what he wants... to make him happy. I'm trying hard to leave him be.

But the quieter I am to him, the more everyone I know is going to hear about how much I hurt.

Until I can find out how to stop being incapable of the emptiness his absence consumes me in, I might in bursts send out an email or an IM or any conversation of OMG HOW I MISS HIM ... moments.

As much as my friends don't know what to say to it, they need not say anything really... I honestly don't understand it.

I know I can live without him. I know I can be a success without him.

So what is it I need?
Whatever it is, no one else can provide it, and I'm scared because I don't know.

Posted by teeda at 5:21 PM EDT

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